Temptalia’s Summer of Fun #013: Summer Goddess

For our next giveaway in our Summer of Fun Giveaways, get gorgeous and glowy, so you can be a SUMMER GODDESS…

  • Borghese Protective Moisturizer SPF15
  • Clinique Superbalm Moisturizing Gloss in Apricot
  • Palmer’s Cocoa Butter Dark Chocolate & Cherry Lip Butter
  • vonNatur Golden Touch Face & Body Shimmer
  • vonNatur Day of Sun Face & Body Shimmer

This prize package is worth $80.00! To enter to win, simply leave a comment telling me A JOKE (just to spice things up and give everybody a funnier Monday), and make sure to use an accurate e-mail address (this is how we contact you if you win!) by July 22nd, 9PM PST. Remember, there are ways to increase your chances to win, so make sure you find out how (and read additional rules).

Good luck!

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An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had
to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.
Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator.
He began to sniff.
The Avon lady asked, “Do you smell something?”
“Why, yes, I do,” he replied.
“What does it smell like?”
“Hmmm, I’m not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit
in a pine tree.”

(I hate avon, by the way)

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken back because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, ‘Do you know me?’ To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, ‘My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery???’ She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.

An attractive, young woman walks into a crowded bar, wearing a short strapless black dress and dripping with diamonds (or fake jewels!). She dissapears amongst the throng of crowded people and heads straight to the Lady’s and dissapears briefly. After a few moments, She walks out unnoticed and struts to the bar.


There is a bartender, a man in his mid-40’s and very attractive. He has a beard and is wearing an all black uniform – black trousers, shoes and shirt with a silk grey and black waistcoat. He is juggling and shaking cocktails around, and finishes showing off to wipe the counters clean. He sees a young woman heading towards the bar and stops immediately..
The bartender is eager to serve this attractive young 20-something little lady πŸ˜› Sooo he asks her what she wants to drink, she orders and sips at her chosen drink.

She starts talking to the bartender and leans in slowly and stroking the sides of his face and fluttering here eyelashes at him. He’s in shock! πŸ˜› Then she starts coyly stroking his beard, slyly wrapping her hands and covering her hands in his beardy hair.

“You’ve got the most gorgeous eyes, and I love your facial hair” She purrs with a demure little smile. He grins. They chat some more.

She then asks him, with her head tilted to the side, “Are you by any chance the Janitor or know the Manager?”
“No” he replies, “I am just the bartender. Why may you ask?” he smirks, pleased with such a beautiful young lady flirting with him so!
“Oh, nothing,” she continues to stroke his beard, “It’s just.. the Lady’s room ran out of toilet paper!” She stops stroking the bartender’s beard abruptly, throws down the rest of her chosen drink down her throat and grins widely. And with that, She walks out of the bar as the bartender splutters. Tonight he will shave his beard!

LOL sorry its really lengthy πŸ™

A rough translation of a rather lengthy (Norwegian) joke:

There once were three men who needed to cross a river. The river was wide and the current strong.
One of the men got down on his knees and prayed to the Lord: “Dear Father in Heaven, please give me the strength to get to the other side.”
The Lord heard his prayer and gave him strong arms, and the man swam to the other side and got up out of the water, safe but tired and soaking wet.
The second man saw this, got down on his knees and prayed to the Lord: “Dear Father in Heaven, please give me the strength and equipment to get to the other side.”
The Lord heard his prayer and gave him long, strong arms, and he too swam to the other side and got up out of the water, safe but tired and soaking wet.
The third man saw this, got down on his knees and prayed to the Lord:”Dear Father in Heaven, please give me the strength, equipment and intelligence to get to the other side.” The Lord heard his prayer, and POOF! the man was a woman. She looked around and crossed the bridge a bit further upstream.

Hee, jokes!
Okay, here is my (nerdy) contribution:

An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician were on vacation in Scotland. From a train window, they saw a black sheep in the middle of a field.
“How interesting”, observed the astronomer, “all Scottish sheep are black.” To which the physicist replied: “No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!”
The mathematician gazed heavenward, then intoned, “In Scotland, there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black.”

Lol, sorry I think it’s funny?

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Ok here’s a really stupid joke I found online:
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.”

Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” and she replied: “Well, you have no ears.”

Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

“Do you notice anything different about me?” And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” Merv was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!”

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

“Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

“Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the first candidate.

“Yes. You have no ears.”

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

“Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the second candidate.

“Yes. You have no ears.”

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

“Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the third candidate.

“Yes. You’re wearing contacts.”

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, “That’s correct. How did you know?”

“You can’t wear glasses if you don’t have any freakin’ ears.”

A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, “I’m just lookin’ around.”

A man is driving down the freeway with his two pet penguins when he gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. After the cop hands over the speeding ticket to the driver, he notices the 2 penguins. The cop informs the driver that he must take the penguins to the zoo. The driver agrees to do so.

Two months later, the same man is pulled over by the same cop for speeding. The cop notices the penguins again only now they are wearing sun glasses and eating ice cream. The cop says, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.” The man responds, “I did take them to the zoo, now I’m taking them to the beach.”

Late one night, a burgler broke into a house. As he tiptoed through the living room, he heard a voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”

Nothing happened, so the burgler crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” said the voice.

The burgler stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around. In a dark corner he spotted a bird cage with a parrot in it.

“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked.

“Yes,” said the parrot.

The burgler breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” answered the bird. “That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burgler. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot’s answer: “The same idiot who named the bulldog, Jesus.”

lol, would love to win πŸ™‚

Joke: An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

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thanks!

For a couple years I ‘ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes.

The woman went to a new doctor, only to realize she went to high school with him. She couldn’t believe how old he was, though! He was aging terribly! She kept her thoughts to herself, though, when she told him she remembered him from high school. “Really?” he replied. “What class did you teach?”

Two men are sharing a hospital room.
“What are you in for?” The first man says.
“I’m getting a circumcision,” his roommate replies.
“Damn,” exclaims the first man, “I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year!”

πŸ™‚

A Man had this dog with no legs or paws. He called him cigarette. You know why?………. Because he had to take him out for a drag every morning.

knock knock
who’s there?
orange.
orange who?
orange you glad i didn’t say banana?

(i’m sure that’s a familiar one to everybody…)

A man walks outside on his front porch and sees a snail. He picks it up and throws it as far as he can.

Six months later, he gets a knock on his door. He opens it and the snail says, “What was THAT all about??!?!”

LMAO!!! I really had a blast reading all your jokes ladies.

A man visits his doctor and asks him: “What is my life expectancy?”
The doctor asks him:
“Do you smoke?” Man answers: “NO”
Dr.: “Do you drink?” Man: “not a single drop”
Dr.: “Do you watch a lot of t.v.?” Man: “Nope”
Dr.: “Do you practise any sports?” Man: “not really”
Dr.: “Do you often have sex?” Man: “never”
Finally the doctor asks him:
Then why do you want to know how many years you have left to live?”

(I hope my translation turned out right)

This sure makes it a Summer of Fun!!

XXX
Daantje

An engineer is waiting for his buddy to come to the lab to study. Finally he shows up really late on a brand new bike. He asks his friend “where did you get this sweet bike?!”

His friend replies “The weirdest thing happened to me! I was walking over here to meet you and this chick rides up to me on this bike, rips off her clothes, and declares I can take whatever I want!”

His friend agrees, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you…”

an old woman is feeling frisky.
so she walks into a resteraunt and walks to a table with three men.
she goes to the first one, lifts up her shirt and yalls, “super sex”. the guy pukes all over the place.
she goes to the next guy, lifts her top and screams, ” super sex” and the guy passes out.
then she goes to the last dude and does the same, hollering out, “SUPER SEX”. then he looks up at her, closes his menu, and says, ” I think I’ll have the soup”

GET IT???

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A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head “Yes” and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, “No” and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, ”The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would ask, ‘You wanna sell that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.'”

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’

Sorry so long!!

A pirate walks into a bar with a strange circular lump in his trousers.
A patron says “Looks like you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants!”
The pirate says “YAR! It’s drivin me nuts!”

I don’t know if it counts as a joke but I will share what my son said a while back ago that I got a kick out of.
I was fixing grilled cheese sandwiches and asked if he would like one. He said no so I asked what he would like and he said he wanted a a “boy cheese sandwich instead”. Hope you think its funny too!

We try to approve comments within 24 hours (and reply to them within 72 hours) but can sometimes get behind and appreciate your patience! πŸ™‚ If you have general feedback, product review requests, off-topic questions, or need technical support, please contact us directly. Thank you for your patience!